Everything That Could Be

It’s a song that aches
Or a movie that giggles
A lyric that stitches itself onto my heart
Or a chord that shreds my defenses
A poem somehow whispers our story
Or an anthem screams our end

It’s a leaf that floats by my window
Or a flower that brightens the kitchen
A lick of sweet and sweat
Or a beat we never missed
A taste that feeds my hunger
Or a laugh that fills your soul

It’s a hint of something special
A peek for just our eyes
A memory that won’t have a chance
A dream, fleeting as gossamer
A heartbeat that races me home
An hour that slows your day

It’s everywhere

It’s you
In everything
That isn’t ever you
But reminds me of
Everything
That could be

Us

Open and Empty

You hold everything.

Not just the ropes, or my hair. Not just my wrists, or my throat.

Everything within myself that allows me to dive into us. Everything I silence for the moments that matter most to us.

Everything that quiets when I look up into your eyes and feel safe enough to tell you what I want.

What I need.

And everything that stills because you promise to give it to me.

Look down for a moment at your hands and feel it.

It’s tangible to me.

A huge chunk of what makes up me is torn from my body, knifed from my soul, and placed there in your hands.

Heft its weight around.

Feel it.

Really feel it.

You hold all of it.

Every ounce of trust I possess, carved out, leaving behind edges that are jagged and raw, bleeding and sore. Leaving my heart pounding with the effort of getting blood through all the emptiness left behind.

You hold all of it.

Over and over again, you make me feel whole again.

Except for my hands . . .

. . . they wait, open and empty, for your trust in return.

He Called Me a Slut

“You’re a fucking slut! A dirty slut!”

I don’t remember what I wrote, but it was about him. He wasn’t the first boy to show an interest in me. He was the first boy who showed an interest in the things I enjoyed.

He sat in front of me in gym class when we assembled in alphabetical rows for attendance. He never faced front. Instead he spun around on his ass to face me, his basketball sneakers planted firmly on the floor. His knees bent, with his elbows resting atop. I looked up through my hair to find his brown eyes watching me.

Unnerving.

I tried to ignore him, but he wouldn’t have that. Instead, he peppered me with questions. He was a year older so we had no classes together. We hadn’t grown up together. Our high school bussed him and a few others in from neighboring schools to attend a business academy only housed at our location.

He wanted to know what I liked, what I didn’t, what my family was like, what books I read.

Why was I so quiet?

He told me all those things about himself. Even though I never asked.

The thing that finally drew me in was his love of words. “I made a promise to myself that I’d learn a new vocabulary word a day,” he told me and his spine straightened as he said it. Without fail, every gym class he told me a new vocabulary word.

One day he smiled at me and said, “Loquacious.”

“That’s today’s word?” I asked.

“Yes,” he answered. “But it’s also how you get when you talk about something you love.”

Done.

That’s the moment he had me.

We found a rarely used staircase in a quiet hall and met there at every opportunity. He’d pin me to the cool mint-green tiles or grab my ass and wrap my legs around his waist as he leaned against the large window sill behind him.

I flung my arms around his neck after he hoisted me up. He stood a foot taller than I and my feet rarely touched the ground when we were alone.

We kissed for hours. For days on end. Each time pushing the boundaries of what we could reasonably get away with if an adult should happen by.

He told his parents he had extra basketball practice. I told mine I had extra lit journal meetings to prep for our publishing deadline.

He came in my hand, hot and sweaty, shoved down the front of his jeans.

I came on his fingers, long and steady beneath my skirt. His other arm held my leg up, his hand squeezing behind my knee.

We felt engulfed, our cheeks flushed and our lungs breathless, in the misery of frustration and want.

So we started meeting at friends’ houses, tumbling backwards onto scratchy couches that smelled of plaster walls and damp cement. “Tell me if I hurt you,” he’d whisper every time. And he did. But I never told him. Because I knew he never meant it.

“You make me sick! You’re a fucking disgusting whore!”

I wrote about him. About the things he did to me with his hands and dick and kisses. I wrote about the way he made me feel and what I hoped he felt for me. I wrote about everything I still wanted to do. All the things he said he dreamed of me doing, whispered into my ear, his breath warm on my cheek.

We laughed on the phone in the evenings and on weekends when we couldn’t see each other.

“He’s just a friend,” I told my parents.

“She’s tutoring me,” he told his.

“My mom is my whole world,” he said to me. “She is a really sweet lady. She just isn’t crazy about me seeing a white girl.”

I shrugged. “I don’t think my mom will care that you’re black,” I told him. “But I’m not sure about my dad.”

“You’re a cunt! Do you hear me? A useless slut!”

It ended up not mattering. We broke it off shortly after my father found and read my journal.

And that’s how my dad became the first man to call me a slut.

Why Don’t I Talk About You Like You’re New?

I don’t talk about you like you’re new.

I used to gush about you

Couldn’t talk enough about you

Couldn’t get enough about you

All the things about you

That I loved

The way your hair curled just so

And your hands worked, like whoa

The way your eyes twinkled and I’d know

There was something there for me

Something special you’d show just me

A little private thing I’d see

If I just let you in

You hung on so tight

So much wrong that you made right

Yet I stopped talking about you like you’re new

I stopped noticing the things you do

That made me curl up into you

Life, it tidal waves around us

And I stopped reaching out for you

I just assume you’ll stay beside me

That you’ll remember the things inside me

That first made you want to light me

Up from inside out

But I can’t shake this secret doubt

That maybe I’m the one without

The courage to seek out

The riddle’s answer true

Why don’t I talk about you

Like you’re new?

Washed Away With a Whisper

picmonkey_image

My skin crawls sometimes
A burning unease
Buzzing like tattoo needles
Etching in my sins
Just below the surface
Just out of sight from everyone else

Taunting

Unsettled pacing
My hands pulling through my hair
My fingers pounding at the keys
Tears tightrope across my lashes
My soul aflame
My heart a kick drum rhythm

Aching

Play with me
I beg
Weak
And needy
Desperate for quiet

A quiet that hovers just out of reach

Always
Just below the surface
Just out of sight from everyone else

A screaming specter only I can see

Threatening me

I can’t get free

Play with me
And when he does
I beg
Weak
And needy
Push me further
Make it hurt
More

Quiet the burning and buzzing
That you can’t hear
That you don’t see
Break me please

Make me free

And then
Sometimes
The quiet comes unexpectedly
Minus the pain
Before I ever beg

Sometimes it’s all washed away with a whisper

Make them sick with wanting to know what that feels like

For just a moment
Without a struggle
I’m set free

 

*inspired by the photo quote above – words of encouragement written to me from a friend.

An Offering

Sometimes she stands with her tray before me and I pretend to consider my options, like any other good guest. I look down at her, at the sheen of her raven hair, pulled tight and smooth into a bun that sits low against the creamy skin of her neck. I watch to see how long she’ll wait in servitude to me. How long she’ll stand motionless, her arms lifted a bit to keep the tray at the height of my chest.

“Your hair smells nice.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“How long have you been working here, now?

Her brown eyes meet mine. “Just over a year.”

“We’ve never spoken before.”

“No sir, we haven’t.”

“Why is that?”

She hesitates. “I’m not sure, sir.”

“Did you think perhaps I didn’t notice you?”

“Perhaps, sir.”

“Ah, but I did. I noticed everything about you from the first time you walked through the doors from that kitchen with a shiny, silver tray in your hands.”

I pluck an offering off the shivering tray in her hands and devour it.

“Do you know something else I noticed?”

“What’s that, sir?”

“Your hair smells different when you sleep,” I whisper in her ear before walking away.

You’ll Have to Say “Please”

“I’m home,” he whispers. His breath, warm with hints of whiskey and cinnamon, ghosts against my neck, but the air around him is cool. As if he dragged the entire night behind him into the room.

A hand lands on the back of my leg and I jump, a hiss escaping through my teeth.

“Your hand is so cold,” I mumble into the pillow.

“I’m sorry, baby,” he whispers. The bed dips and a knee lands next to my ass. “Warm me up.”

The soft clink of his belt buckle being undone echoes through the room and I start to squirm, stretching and yawning. My eyes open a crack and I blink against the soft moonlight that spills across the room.

I try to look over my shoulder but a hand comes down around my throat, pinning me in place.

He bends over me, his other knee landing at my hip, so that he straddles my body. I hear the pop of a button being undone. He lowers himself more until I feel his cock against my ass, straining beneath his jeans, and the sharp bite of his zipper against my skin.

His hand remains cool against my throat. I shiver as his other hand slides my hair out of the way and his mouth leaves a trail of warm kisses down the back of my neck.

“You glow against these sheets,” he murmurs, and the mild spice of lingering cigar on his fingers explains the hoarseness I hear in his voice. “Did you know these were my favorite sheets? They’re so fucking dark that your skin glows against them when I come in at night. Like an angel.”

His teeth sink into the spot where my neck meets my shoulder, just beneath the collar of the shirt I slipped into before heading to bed. A sigh, a whimper really, escapes my lips.

Then he stops.

His face moves away and the mattress shifts as he straightens up. The hand at my throat tightens and I feel a soft tug on the back of my shirt.

“What are you wearing?” he asks a second before his hand lands with a loud crack against my ass.

“Your shirt,” I tell him with a quiet moan.

“That’s my work shirt, angel.” His mouth is at my ear again. His teeth scraping against my ear lobe. “Why are you wearing the shirt I laid out for tomorrow?”

My legs tighten up as I lift my ass and push back against the hardness of his dick. I lift my head as much as the hand at my throat will allow. Until my lips land soft at the corner of his mouth, his stubble scraping against them as I move. Then I whisper.

“I want you to fuck me in it. Fuck me in your shirt so that you smell us all day while you’re trying to work tomorrow.”

Silence falls, smooth as the silver moonlight that cuts across the bed. I feel his lips curl into a smile, his fingers tighten around my throat, his zipper burns my skin when he presses harder against my ass.

“My angel,” he says with a low, growling laugh. “Such a little whore. You’ll have to say ‘please.'”

Before I can utter another sound, the hand on my throat slides up and over my mouth.