I Don’t Want to Use the Same Bathroom as You

Guess what.

I don’t want to use the bathroom with anybody.

And that could just be because I’m a mom and 100% not exaggerating when I tell you I don’t recall the last time I had a piss in peace. My cat lays on my feet. My dog stares at me in a super creepy way. (Seriously, if you’re worried about perverts I’d like to report her.)

My kids? The older ones fucking talk to me right through the door. The youngest . . . just all up in my grill. Practically sits on my lap. Even gets my feminine products for me when it’s my “Mommy that’s gross!” time of the month.

Honestly, I don’t give a shining fuck what’s in your pants. I don’t want to go to the bathroom with you.

But sometimes, it happens. It’s natural. It’s unavoidable. I often find myself away from my preferred toilet (the one in my home) and have to use a public restroom. And hey, as shy as I am about public restrooms, let’s all stop a minute to give thanks they exist! I’m stoked I have never had to shit in the street. Like my super creepy dog who also, come to think of it, stares at me while she’s shitting.

Yet here I am, writing about going to the bathroom with you. Why is that?

I don’t normally rant on here. I certainly don’t discuss politics. That’s what everyone on Facebook does. And seriously, fuck Facebook.

I appreciate that it allows me to keep in touch with faraway friends and family in a convenient, visual manner. But in all honesty, lately it just makes me ill and inspires rants like the one I’m gearing up to drop right here like a deuce.

Everyone is basically an asshole. I won’t even explain that any further. If you’ve been on Facebook, you get it.

To be honest, I’m hopeful enough to believe that all of us are open enough and accepting to just get that this is really a non-issue. That we shouldn’t even have to discuss this.

But just in case . . .

1. There are SO MANY more important things in this world to get up in arms about.

Why have you chosen to hyper focus on what is in someone’s underwear prior to that human being choosing a restroom to use?

Armchair activists raise my blood pressure like very few other things do. Because this is what I want to shout at each and every one of them:

Hey asshole! You hate how the world works? Instead of sharing that misguided, hateful, ignorant meme that lacks grammar (seriously it contains ZERO grammar) get up, get the fuck out of your house, and GO MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN YOUR COMMUNITY.

Then, feel free to come at me, bro.

2. Guess what used to happen in the bathroom before all this bullshit started?

You went in.

You went to the bathroom.

AND YOU HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS IN THE PANTS OF THE PERSON IN THE NEXT STALL.

Seriously. You had no idea.

Guess what?

I’m gonna let you in on a secret.

Shhhhhh.

You’ve already peed next to transgender people.

AND YOU LIVED.

3. I have a question.

HOW THE FUCK DO PEOPLE CONDUCT THEMSELVES IN THE BATHROOM?

Here’s how I roll.

I go in.

I piss.

I wash my hands.

I leave.

I keep my head down.

I make eye contact with NOBODY.

The New York Fucking Knicks could be pissing in that bathroom with me, I’d have no idea. Want to know why?

BECAUSE IT’S ALREADY INSANE TO ME THAT I HAVE TO PEE WITH STRANGERS.

I don’t want to acknowledge it in any way. I just want to be back home with my pervert dog staring at me.

There are several moments in every day when I want utter peace and quiet and privacy and tranquility. No, not when I’m meditating.

WHEN I’M IN THE BATHROOM.

Do you seriously spend so much time in public restrooms that you feel you have the time, and even the inclination, to check everyone’s genitalia?????

Then, guess what.

You need to reevaluate your entire life.

While you’re at it . . . see # 1 above and follow those instructions.